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そうやって、私の自己嫌悪は高まっていき、
相手はあきれかえり無視するようになり
私は追いかけやしないけどずっと待つことをして
一層孤独感や自己の無価値を内側にぶつけて
疲れ果てて苦しくなる

他にだって頼る人は居るようでいない

鎖をかけられたようなきもち

こんな馬鹿な構図を一度は知っているから余計に警戒するのに
馬鹿は自分だ。

sigh.

i sent a txt.
and i start hating myself again,
a person who got this txt starts getting tired of my behavior and starts ignoring me,
I don't chase but wait for like forever,
The more i wait, the more i gain my isolation and punch myself to know how im idiot.
i get tired and be hurt.

there is somebody i can talk to, but not so real
im like a dog with chains on a neck

Ive experience such a stupid situation before, so that i keep guard on it.
So,
the stupid, is me.

Although im going to see Tama today, I have several things which i have to do, like e-mail to a client of drawing, and the new student of Japanese tutoring
i should look forward to a therapy on friday,
i may be able to see daniela as well, i can see sacchan if i want.

for example Greta will come to Melbourne from Italy next month.
Flo will come to Melbourne from France in July,
There are so many happy things im looking forward to.

but i don't have much energy to think of it now.
even musics can't help me today
why?